Actually, the title should read “bland.” In my ever-ongoing quest to eat healthier, I recently purchased some turkey bacon. I like crumble up the bacon and add it to grits. I think it makes for some decent eating. I had hoped for the turkey bacon to be a pleasant substitute for my favorite hickory-smoked pork bacon. I was sadly disappointed.

First off, I probably shouldn’t have used wax paper in the oven. It started smoking and set off the fire alarm. Not cool. I quickly pulled the battery out of the alarm and opened the door to vent the apartment.

When I pulled the bacon out of the oven, it looked pretty much the same as it went in — like enlongated turkey balogna. It was slightly darkened and perhaps firmer than before. There was very little shrinkage.

The true test is the one of taste. The taste was like crunchy bacon-flavored cardboard. It was alright on my grits once I had added a pat of butter and some ground pepper. It shouldn’t have been this way — the bacon should’ve been great all by itself.

I guess my desire to find a substitute for something that is probably irreplaceable is to blame. Like the vegetarian who busts out a tofukey for Thanksgiving dinner, there are substitutes but I don’t think these can truly replace what we’ve removed.

On an upnote, if the creators of this turkey bacon want to make turkey Canadian bacon, all they’ve got to do is relabel turkey balogna and then they’re off to the races.